Stay Open
A few weeks ago, I was harassed and then bullied by a woman on the internet. I had never met her before in person, but she somehow felt it was okay to verbally attack me, calling out my neurodiversity and saying she thought it funny I was a writer since, as she claimed, I had a “lack of communication skills.” I didn’t engage. There were a lot of things I wanted to say to her, but being an adult, and one who tries to be very careful with my words, I simply told her she was very mean and to please not message me again. And then I blocked her, because online, thankfully, that is something you can do.
I am not new to this kind of treatment. Growing up as undiagnosed autistic, I was an easy target for mean girls and overly aggressive boys. I was called names, laughed at, shunned, and even physically attacked at times. Everywhere I went, no matter what state we moved to, what school, or how old, I was treated cruelly by my peers, and even more devastating, by some adults as well. I learned to grow a thick skin, so thick in fact that by the time I was in college I didn’t feel any emotion but anger. I was in my early twenties when bitter rage and resentment for all I had lived through at the hands of others threatened to consume me. I knew I had to make a change and fast, otherwise I’d never come back from it.
So began my healing journey. One that I am currently writing a memoir about so that I can share it with others and offer hope to so many people out there who are mistreated and bullied by society. It’s been a long, trying, and exhausting process to reach a point where I can look at myself in the mirror and not cringe at my own reflection and all the pain and memories it holds. But along the way I’ve learned that if you close yourself off to feeling pain, you cannot feel the good things either. It took years to get to a point where I can open my heart up to other people without being consumed by fear that they will hurt me. And some do still hurt me. That is a part of life. It’s a delicate juggling act of finding that balance where you can stay open to the good things, allow people in, but also not let the inevitable unkindness of others break you down and close you off.
Recently there was an incident where my oldest son was left out by someone he considered one of his best friends. And on his Birthday, no less. Helping him navigate the painful emotions he was dealing with was a struggle that threatened to close me off again. I woke up several nights in a row crying, my mama heart was so broke. My son is thirteen and with that comes new territory of him trying to navigate his place in the world and figure out where he belongs. He makes mistakes just like any kid and sometimes acts without thinking, but he is a good, kindhearted young man who deeply values his friendships and would never dream of leaving a friend out the way he was. Over the past week I’ve helped him deal with some deep emotions, and keep reminding him that he always, always has his family to lean on when he is hurt by the world. While it’s been a painful experience for us both, it’s also been an important lesson.
The world is not always kind, in fact at times it’s downright cruel. People will talk about you, lie to you, leave you out, and that may make you feel like you are less than. But your opinion about yourself is truly the only one that matters. Be true to who you are. Be authentic and maintain your integrity at all costs. Sometimes our egos get in the way, we want to push back, say mean things in return, prove to people our worth. But you have nothing to prove to anyone, only yourself. Sometimes feelings of unworthiness creep in, especially if that is something you learned from a young age. I know from experience the feeling of not being enough can be rooted deep and take a lifetime to overcome. But know this: You ARE worthy. You ARE lovable. You ARE enough right now in this moment, exactly as you are. Stay kind, in a world where there is far too little kindness to go around. Stay open, even when it threatens to break your heart and make you cry. It takes the spirit of a warrior to be a gentle soul in this world. Don’t ever mistake that gentleness for weakness. I believe in you; I believe in us. We got this!