Still Healing

During an incredible Cacao Ceremony where healers came together to lift one another up, release what was holding us back, and claim our legacy, I felt divine and connected to all those around me. I went up to the center to make my statement of what I was bringing into my life, that I will learn to love myself so fiercely it does not matter what others think of me. Then, as if challenging that very idea, something shifted and a woman gazed at me but refused to return my smile. The imprint of not being worthy screamed in my ears “YOU DO NOT BELONG” and I couldn’t control the tears or the thoughts cascading through my mind: I am not seen, I am not wanted, I am not loved, I am not worthy. I do not belong. I do not belong. I do not belong.

But I’m still healing, and that’s ok.

I must learn not to allow the actions of others dictate how I feel about myself. My path is different but there’s nothing wrong with that. I ran from my story, my past, trying to hide it so I did not have to face it. Until I finally realized the only way I can truly heal is by acknowledging it. And I have come a very long way.

But I’m still healing, and that’s ok.

I am here to help others see the divinity within themselves. But first I must see it within myself. And I do, on my best days. Just not yet always.

But I’m still healing, and that’s ok.

I am here to help others alchemize their pain into gold. But first I must learn how to do that with my own. And I have, in some ways.

But I’m still healing, and that’s ok.

I am here to help others know it’s ok to feel all their emotions. But first I must learn to allow all of mine. I am sensitive and feel everything deeply. Sometimes I wish I didn’t.

But I’m still healing, and that’s ok.

I am here to help others embrace themselves fully and take up space. But often I feel overlooked and unseen, so withdraw because it hurts. But not as long as I once did; eventually I shine again.

Because I am still healing.

And that’s ok.