CPTSD ~ Painting One
Even though I am a writer and writing has provided me with a great sense of relief when I need to get something out and of my head and down into some sort of coherent form, sometimes what’s in my head is too much for words. Sometimes it’s so loud and chaotic I can’t make sense of it enough to articulate it. When that happens, I paint.
When I began this painting all I knew was I wanted to convey the turmoil inside of me. The jumbled mass of emotions that fluctuated from deep sadness to rage. I picked some colors, assigned them the emotions they would represent, and expelled them out of me and onto the canvas. I listened to my favorite creative music playlist on shuffle and oddly enough, whatever emotion/color I was working with a song seemed to simultaneously play that helped to really pull it out of me.
I wanted this painting to be about CPTSD, not specific traumatic experiences or symptoms, but what living with it encompasses. But I also wanted this painting to be about what has helped me, not just the pain. So I added in pages from a book because words are my go to for solace. As well as some musical notes because music, especially relatable lyrics, soothes me too. There are some hidden nature elements as well. Those three things combined with the act of painting itself are what have kept me going through the years. At times they are literally all I had.
The background of this painting is chaotic, almost too much to look at. But that’s exactly how it feels in my head right now. The lotus represents healing and overcoming; I have a tattoo of it on my back. I had to fight my way out of the mud of my past and despite great odds, I bloomed. Maybe not exactly where I want to be just yet, but regardless, I did it, and I’m still trying to grow stronger and bolder every day.
The moth has been an important symbol to me since I had a dream about a purple moth several years ago. The dream itself held profound meaning. I was in a haunted house, something I often dream of when I am having a lot of flashbacks and other symptoms, because I am, in a manner of speaking, haunted by my trauma. But in the dream, seeing the moth in the house felt hopeful. I saw it as a sign of something good and I was less afraid. It only seemed right to have a place in this painting.
I finished the painting today and I feel better right now then I have in almost two months. It’s the first in a series I am going to be working on. I don’t often share my paintings, and this one is by no means perfect. But it’s been incredibly therapeutic to create, and I hope that anyone reading this who is feeling overwhelmed by what they are currently going through might be inspired to create some art of their own.
